A free, research-backed guide to the questions to ask before having a baby — the honest conversations about roles, values, and identity that determine whether your relationship survives the transition to parenthood, and deepens through it.
This guide is for couples asking "are we ready?" and for couples who've already said yes and want to prepare well. It isn't a checklist of readiness criteria. It's the set of conversations that determine whether your relationship is built on shared understanding, or on assumptions that fracture under the pressure of early parenthood — before exhaustion removes the option of nuance.
What Gottman's research actually found about babies and relationships — and the assumptions that predict the drop.
The readiness questions nobody asks — mirrors, not pass-or-fail tests, for honest conversation between partners.
Where couples most often discover they disagree — discipline, faith, education, and more.
Division of labour, mental load, and career — the arrangements that cause the most conflict when left unspoken.
What each of you is giving up — and why naming it in advance changes how you meet it.
What the 33% do differently — six small, deliberate practices from Gottman's research.
Every conversation in this guide is drawn from published studies on couples navigating the transition to parenthood.
His longitudinal research identified exactly what separates the 33% who thrive from the 67% who struggle — and it starts with conversation, not luck.
Daminger's research on cognitive family labour found it falls disproportionately on one partner — a primary driver of early-parenthood resentment.
Research on parental motivation found couples with genuine, autonomous motivation to become parents report significantly higher relationship wellbeing.
This guide was written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, Founder and Owner of Wholistic Mental Health Care. Wholistic specialises in premarital and couples counselling, grounded in Gottman-informed and attachment-based approaches — practical, evidence-based, and never reductive.
HPCSA Registered Counsellor · PRC 0042480
Research shows 67% of couples experience a measurable drop in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a baby. But it isn't the baby itself — it's unspoken expectations and unresolved tension that were already present, now under far more pressure.
Beyond the practical questions of finances and housing, the research points to relational ones: how you'll divide labour and mental load, what each of you believes about parenting, and what you're each afraid of losing. This guide walks through all of them.
Gottman's research identifies specific, small, deliberate habits — protecting daily rituals of connection, maintaining friendship, and explicitly discussing division of labour before it becomes a grievance. These are covered in Part 6 of this guide.
Around 33%, according to Gottman's research. They aren't exceptional people — they're couples who had the conversations this guide is built around, before the baby arrived.
The research is consistent: couples who engage with professional support before the hard moments arrive, rather than in crisis, show better outcomes on every measured dimension. It's considered one of the most evidence-based investments a couple can make.
Wholistic runs premarital counselling retreats designed specifically for couples preparing for their next chapter — including the transition to parenthood. Three HPCSA Registered Counsellors, real conversations, and a plan you both leave with.
Learn About Our Retreats →